This will be, perhaps, the most vulnerable post I have ever posted.
It about the shame I carry around my physical appearance.
It is about eyebrows and ugliness, and the dark cellar within my psyche I have hidden an aspect of my younger self so no will see her.
Even though, I walk and teach and guide on the Goddess path, the raw truth is, there is a pain in me that keeps me from experiencing unconditional acceptance.
Although I have spoke of this in sister circles, I have never actually shared pictures and somehow that feels like an important piece.
And so here it is.
My pictures and my pain.
The story of my shame .
It is finally time for this to be spoken and seen:
I grew up ugly. I have always felt like the ugly duckling.
My mother was German- Irish and praised for being beautiful.
All my biological siblings look like her except me.
I was the opposite.
I was dark and hairy.
I inherited my Dad’s olive skin and his Italian-side genetic traits.
Kids made fun of me by calling me “hairy Mary”.
I used to bleach my arms with cream that burned until I finally shaved them.
Yes, I am humiliated to share this but the truth is, I shave my arms.
When I was in fifth grade, the cool-pretty girls kicked me out of their group and I was told not to speak to them, look at them or ever sit at their table again.
I have lived with the humiliation of that experience since the day it happened.
In my younger self’s mind, it was a piece of absolute proof that I was hideous.
And from that day, as it does when we begin to believe something, the evidence mounted.
I was never the girl in grade school, high school OR college that the boys were interested in. I felt like an absolute loser.
I was actually told by a drunk guy that I might have the potential to “be hot” if I lost a bunch of weight and colored my hair.
To this day, I am uncomfortable whenever I gain a few pounds or its been too long since I've gotten my highlights done.
My Dad once found old pictures of me and he joked, “don’t worry I won’t show them to Brain.” (my then boyfriend/my now husband)
I am crying as I write this because here is the truth.
That comment still hurts so deep when I think of it.
I adored my dad.
But he broke my heart that day.
It was yet another piece of proof that I should be ashamed for how I looked.
And now about the eyebrows.
It is so rare I let anyone see me without makeup.
Why?
I pretty much have no eyebrows and that makes me feel like a freak.
I plucked them in college after a makeup artist told me I’d look so much better if they weren’t so bushy.
I tore them out in a frenzy to feel less disgusting and the hair along my brow line never grew back.
The paradox.
I have to fill my brows with shadow and still, the ugly-evidence haunts me.
A friend's kid said to me recently (and innocently), 'why do you have those big brown lines on your face?"
And that's the thing about kids. They have no filter and so the fear that they are speaking the truth is that much more palpable.
When my son was three, he snuggled into me and said this: “Mommy you look so different in the morning. I don’t like your face in the morning.”
I became so red hot with shame, I almost fainted.
Proof again, that I was repulsive.
And so I hide.
I pretend the pain is not there.
I have buried that vulnerable unattractive girl in a prison of my own making.
I have stunning pictures all over my social media and on my website but it often feels like I’m fooling everyone.
My husband tells me I’m beautiful all the time and yet a part of me cannot take his adoration in.
He's an incredibly attractive man and my shadow voice taunts me wanting me to believe that people are secretly speaking behind our backs and asking..."What the f@ck is he doing with HER?
My deepest, darkest fear is this:
that -you-they-people-everyone will find out that behind it all, I am an ugly throw away that no one wants.
This fear of being found out as UGLY is what keeps my core wound active and in tact.
It is the hook that hooks me to the holograms of unworthiness, and unlovability.
It is what the snarly insidious voice in my head uses fear to keep me bound down and small.
And so here’s why I’m posting this -
I seek not to live in this shame spiral a moment longer.
On this holy day,
I am choosing love and liberation over fear.
I am choosing to let you SEE the parts of me that I am so terrified are worthy of rejection.
My overweight younger self.
My bushy eyebows.
My nearly black, frizzy hair.
My makeup-less face.
And how “ugly” I am next to my mom.
From the depths of my sacred heart, I thank you for witnessing me in this vulnerability.
I am hereby choosing self love over self shame.
I was ready for this step, on this day.
And I wasn't until today.
And that is ok.
I am bringing my younger self out of the shadows to sit on my lap for a while so she can get used to being seen in the light.
I hereby forgive her for NOT being what I perceived as beautiful.
When I look now, through the water of my tears, I see that she is precious and perfect exactly as she is.
I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her.
She's been hurting and afraid for far too long.
To all of our younger and afraid selves, that still live in the shadows -
May you too, be loved.
May you be held.
May you be forgiven.
May you brought home to the light of the one holy heart.
Aho!
